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Emergency responders arrived at the Clawfoote Cafe thinking that the whole thing might have been a hoax.

“The Clawfoote is usually where we meet for lunch,” said a WAX EMT, so we kinda thought it might be someone joking.”

When they arrived however, they found three victims, an entire family that was unconscious and unresponsive.

“The Clawfoote is awesome, but there are no roads to it,” the EMT explained. “It’s boat or seaplane. We happened to be practicing air rescues, and it’s a good thing. We loaded up all three and flew to the ERIA Seaplane Terminal in Pippen (link). From there it’s 450 meters to the ERH – the hospital. It’s a good thing Xi Larnia is so forward thinking.”

The family is currently recovering at East River Hospital and doctors say that they have been successfully treated for sticker shock.

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The Waterbank Auxiliary (WAX) saved a jumper from a deadly plunge in the East River yesterday.

“I saw this guy shaking his head on the edge,” the EMT told us, “and so we got out to help. Turns out he was shaking with the need to buy a new boat and had just come from the Feral Marine offices. My partner had seen it before so we knew what to do. We grabbed a promo brochure from the truck and showed him lots of pictures of upcoming boats. Then we got him into the back, strapped him on the gurney, and off we went to the Feral Dockyards.”

According to the East River Hospital, Boat Addiction is a serious issue. “Tens of people are struck by it every month. The victim ends up wanting boats faster than the manufacturers can make them and is driven to extreme actions. We’ve got an entire ward of people here convulsing for the Bandit 665. It’s heartbreaking. If you or a loved one shows signs of Boat Addiction, have them go to the Feral Marine showroom in Tschotcke (link) and touch the new boats. It won’t cure them, but it will keep them going for a while.”

Editor’s Note: The Bandit 665 mentioned was originally dubbed the 670 and was first built in secret in 2014.

A WAX EMS rescued a dog from a K9 unit on Route 1 yesterday after the driver heard howling.

“It was weird,” the EMS said, “there was a police patrol car stuck off the road and a dog howling. We stopped and went down to the wreck but there was no one there, just the dog. So we got the dog out and took him to the local station, who said it wasn’t theirs. Weird, but at least now we’ve got this beautiful new German Shepherd. She’s a real sweetheart!”

Investigators are looking into the crash of the PSC patrol car and whether mechanical problems may have resulted in the crash. “We haven’t ruled out the dog as a suspect either,” said one investigator.

A Waterbank Auxiliary EMS has come forward about what they learned from the fateful New Year’s day crime spree.

“It’s totally different from what you hear from Helvellyn PD,” they told me in exchange for a crisp 20. “First I went to Riverbank, and treated the manager first. They weren’t shot, but had suffered a concussion from a safety deposit box that had fallen on their head. It seemed that the robber wanted a specific box that was high up and had the manager hoist him up.”

“Next I treated several customers for cuts and bruises, including one old woman who refused to let me go until I kissed her band aid. Really, sometimes this job is humiliating. I went back out to stock up on bandaids and a few hours later get called to the Muni Airport in Brooks. I race there, lights blazing, turning all those crazy Muirhead streets, and the airport guard was only napping. HPD had totally overreacted and the Sheriff’s Department is laughing at me as I tripped over the &^%#* curb. I mean really, come on. That’s the funniest thing that day?!”

From the victims the EMS also learned what had been taken from the sites. “At the bank they took the contents of a box registered to Feral Robotics, and at the gallery they took several priceless canvases that were rolled into tubes. The assistant at the gallery was really cute, so until that stupid call to Muni Airport, we talked a lot. She said that one of those canvases would put you up for life.”

mowrystepsupA WAX ambulance gasses up at a Mowry filling station with the Meowry Cat Cafe in the background.

The district of Mowry has been increasing its role in the civic administration of the East River, adding a number of facilities to increase safety and commerce. Fire stations, fuel stops, and road improvements are just some of the improvements made.

“ERC is in a time of transition,” explained the hot dog vendor in downtown Mowry and self-professed know it all. “Mowry is doing its part to stabilize it.”