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Archerfield mice have infested the Linden Chalet in the Greater Tulagi Area, and caretakers are at their wits end.

“The little *&#^$%@*@s are smart,” said one landscaper. “One of the little &#$@s figured out how to play the violin and managed to do a Paganini Caprice while I was chasing him with a broom. I really hate the showoffs.”

“The Archerfield mouse is a highly intelligent creature with a strong sense of irony,” said a Waterbank University professor, “If I were a caretaker in Tulagi, I would look in all directions – including up – before entering a room.”

east-river-master-map AERO has released evacuation notices to areas in the East River Community after the East River Seismic Outpost said that a “humungo event” was in the future.

“We think it will be big enough to clear out huge portions of the community,” they said, “and only a few will be left standing.”

The validity of the claim has yet to be determined but the event seems to coincide with the rumor that a key investor in the ERC will “pull out” at the end of the month.

“It’s possible that the earthquake warning was to get people to leave in advance of an economic collapse,” said a Waterbank University professor.

“One thing we know,” said an AERO representative, “is that the ERC will never be the same by next month.”

Governmental bodies are already squabbling over the political landscape in East River, leading to a number of new turf conflicts. The clamor has grown to alarming levels, so a number of community leaders have turned to the WBA for guidance.

“They’ve been there,” said an East River Councilperson. Suggestions from the WBA include power sharing agreements and assigning new roles for area leaders.

“In some cases existing power structures can remain. The East River Chamber of Commerce and the East River Council are foundations of the area, and can adapt easily with the change. Other institutions such as the East River Committee for Hellvelyn Superiority need to be removed,” said a WBA white paper released earlier this week.

Waterbank Universty suggests a pyramid where a council of governors meets with mayors to formulate regional policy while allowing individual areas their own autonomy. “That way the Mayor of Muirhead Town might enforce a strict artist only tenancy, but still maintain the Barretts Not Ferrets law that was passed in Kirkstone. It’s better for everyone that way,” explained a Waterbank University Law professor.

Community wide resources, such as the East River Police and the ERC Library System would answer to regional leadership while required to respect local ordinances. “In the case of conflicts – say a high speed chase from Muirhead into Mowry – acting enforcement would call for approval from the Mowry Mayor before apprehending the suspect.

“It’s gonna end up that some communities will be safe havens for crooks,” said the ERPD Chief.

“Most mayors will want to help community services,” a Waterbank lawyer refuted, “no one wants criminals running into their backyard.”

In a reprinted letter from the University of Sansara, WN has learned that new technologies are being researched and ready for testing. The letter (below) has a number of professors at Waterbank University concerned.

“We’ve got all these foam fingers saying we’re number one,” said one Waterbank U administrator, “what if we’re number two?”

The letter:

University of Sansara, East River Campus
Chemistry Department

East River, Sansara. November 23, 2016

It is with great pleasure that I announce a breakthrough in practical chemistry. Diesel has been long known as a powerful, if dirty fuel used in over the road trucking, trains, and shipping. While the Late Rudolf Diesel originally designed his engine to work on oil derived from peanuts, we at the University of Sansara have discovered that a more powerful oil has been found that gives all the advantages of the petroleum based Diesel fuel without any of the noxious side effects.

While Studying Catnip oil’s many uses in medical and psychological care in The East River Community’s large Neko population, I found myself stranded on the side of the road having forgotten to stop at the Simclair service station in Mowry to refuel my car. Having given up waiting on a towtruck, I took the gallon of Catnip Oil I had in the trunk and poured it into the tank.

Upon restarting my car, I found it to be smoother and more powerful than before with no appreciable soot from the exhaust. In fact I found that at idle, it seemed to “purr” contentedly while running on pure catnip oil. Further Tests have indicated that the long term use of Catnip oil in a diesel powered car or truck seems to add lives to how long the engine lasts.

The University of Sansara seeks volunteers with Diesel powered vehicles to further our testing. Nekos are doubly encouraged to apply.

Dr. Amanda Catnap
Professor of Chemistry
University of Sansara
East River Community

clawkango

A wildlife photographer captured this scene at Archerfield Airfield and turned it over to authorities.

“It’s weird,” admitted an officer in the Coastal Patrol. “It looks like he’s talking to the kangaroo, and the kangaroo is listening. At first we thought it was a Claw spy dressed like a kangaroo, but experts at Waterbank University have confirmed that those are real kangaroos.”

The photographer said that the animal and the Claw “talked” for half an hour and then went their own way. A Claw spokesperson had this to say:

“We’re a very animal friendly bunch. If you took time to reach our press releases you’d know we have more animal activists than Waterbank University. Our pilot was there seeing if there was an update on the new ZSK jet, that’s all.”