Tag Archives: Waterbank News

Waterbank News’ key photographer was kidnapped yesterday, making the paper photoless for the time being.

“I sent him out to take some pictures of wild flowers in the East River Mountains,” said the Editor in Chief of Waterbank News, “and it’s been five days…”

If anyone has seen the photographer, a svelte woman in her 40s wearing a feather boa, please contact the authorities. We would show you a picture, but, ya know, no photographer.


In a ceremony so exclusive that the guest of honor and all of the Waterbank News staff wasn’t invited, Waterbank News named Rez Gray as Waterbank News’ Person of the Year, an award that is all the more impressive since the year isn’t over.

“He’s a titan of industry, a major economic force, and a creator without equal,” gushed the Editor in Chief of the Waterbank News. “He has created entire communication networks and his work on GTFO is bringing the world together.”

“Waterbank News’ Person of the Year Award is a big deal,” said President of the Waterbank Business Agency, Sketch Sun. “Only major contributors to society are named.”

“He would say that,” mumbled the intern at the WBA about Sun. “He was Person of the Year 2014.”

Waterbank News’ Person of the Year wasn’t available for comment, though people who know Rez say that he would be mildly amused. “He’s a humble guy with one foot in the clouds and the other on Mainland sand,” said Smuggler X, who says he first met Rez at a Dutch Harbor party. “A great guy.”

Our Tulagi Area reporter took to the skies with the Archerfield Free Post to see what a day was like for the former smuggler.

“Everything is done with the ’17,” explained Smuggler X. “ZSK packed her with everything you could want, and she’s my office, control center, and delivery vehicle all in one.”

The day starts at 0500 with orders over the radio, and Smuggler X says that business is thriving.

“Everybody needs something in Tulagi. One morning everybody stopped fighting. The French wouldn’t fly until they got croissants, the Germans refused to man positions without sausages, the Japanese were out of rice, and the Americans said if they got one more can of Spam they’d attack us and forget about the Axis”

At 0600 the orders are all in and he spends his time at the navigator’s desk, plotting his route and calculating drops.

“Some of the combatants are happy to see us but shoot at us all the same,” he told us.

By 0645 he’s in the air, and I get a prime view of the Tulagi Sea and its blue waters from the nose gun. The flying is smooth in the morning we don’t see any fighters, but Smuggler X says it’s not always the case.

“A Claw P-40 dropped out of the sun and hit us last week. They shot up an entire load and we had to turn around. They hate it when we deliver doughnuts.”


In another journalistic first, Waterbank News opened a branch in the Greater Tulagi Region, covering the combat area and its environs for the first time. The Archerfield Office, located to the left of the Information Desk has been sponsored by the Archerfield Manager and endorsed by the ZSK Board of Directors.

“We are very blessed to have avid readers and supporters,” said the Editor-in-Chief. “This will be an exciting development in our coverage.”

Waterbank Associated Press Feed:

Waterbank News staff was rescued in daring amphibious operation on an island in the Tulagi combat area yesterday by Two Tangos Inc.. The Search and Rescue group declined to comment on the details of the operation, but said that “they were emaciated and sober – it was a terrible condition for reporters to be in.”

The reporters had been forced to go on a corporate “retraining” retreat, and had not been heard from in a week. They have been sent to the WIA for debriefing, which told us that they had been rescued from a “luxurious island prison” in the Tulagi area.

“We are giving them whisky and pickled eggs now, and expect them to recover soon,” said the WIA.

The Waterbank News staff has been forced to go on a corporate retreat after its key advertisers found “a disturbing lack of reality” in its stories. The entire staff has been sent to a remote island for “corporate programming” that a spokesman for the Waterbank News Corporation assured us was “no longer run by prison guards.”

The Waterbank News will continue publishing once the retreat has finished.