Posted by the West River Free Press:
A solitary Waterbank News reporter was rescued in Juneau today, shocking local residents and raising a few debt collector’s eyebrows.
“He was flailing around like a fish having a seizure,” said pilot of the Juneau Search and Rescue. “You could see it from 300 feet up, which is really saying something.”
The pilot was able to conduct a water landing and rescue the journalist, thanks to JSAR’s latest acquisition, the Shergood Aviation S61R (link). Shortly after the rescue the reporter was sent to East River Hospital, where he is reported to be in a stable condition. Police are not releasing information at this time, though one officer of local Sheriff’s Department let slip that this was the break they needed in the disappearance of an entire newspaper staff.
The WBA has been discretely meeting with staff at Feral Marine on Feral Marine’s pleasure cruiser, and speculation about the topic has all the customers at Pippen Hot coffee talking.
“It’s gotta be a conspiracy to take over Pippen,” said one over-caffeinated patron.
“I heard,” whispered another, “that the WBA is really just the WIA and that it’s all part of the Illuminotti.”
The barista tisked. “The Illuminotti is our special biscotti made of candied nuts.”
“I think you’re all nuts,” said the Waterbank News intern. “Just walk over there and ask them what they’re doing.”
As Waterbank News reporters lay fallow to the summer heat, taking Kousara’s Charters to the new Belisseria (link: Bellisseria Fairgrounds (135,145,21)) or other festive destinations, they have been letting Kousara give them all the juicy news.
“You can never accuse our reporters of working too hard,” said the acting Editor in Chief, the intern.
According to them there are new vehicles at Prototype (the Lusch Motors Ajax and the Zamani Stylo), a new boat from Cat & Cry, McKeenan’s MA220 at White Star Airport (Grunion (171,68,22)), and Shana Carpool’s new Beechcraft 1900D.
Kagurazaka ChouxCream Kirino smirked as one of our reporters also asked about the new Regent HQ Roadside (another one of Kousara’s holdings, GTFO World HQ Royier (34,158,21). “It’s a major GTFO hub, I’ll send you a press release. I suppose you want me to peel those pistachios too.”
The Fugitive Lawyer in front of the ERC complex in Grizedale
The Fugitive Lawyer has negotiated an immunity and extradition deal for the three reporters charged with crimes of conspiracy, transferring the three to West River.
“Passions are too high in the East River, and I think the judge knows that,” the lawyer said. “West River has been actively courting Waterbank citizens, so it’s a good fit. The three will be transferred to an undisclosed location and will not be allowed to publish.”
The deal has the support of moderates in East River, though the tension between East and West Rivers remains. Waterbank citizens have been discussing moving to West River in greater numbers after the arrest of the reporters.
East River Police are executing a search warrant for the reporter’s notebooks as detectives scramble to hold together a disintegrating case. “If we don’t find anything in the next few hours we have to let them go,” said ERIA PD.
“We’ll snap’em up as soon as ERIA PD lets them out,” said East River Police. “Then the Sheriff’s, then back to ERIA PD, every 24 hours.”
The docks in Pippen are believed to be the escape route for the napkin thieves.
The damning cocktail napkins that sent three reporters to prison have been stolen in a midnight heist at ERIA Police Station.
“At first we thought the evidence locker guy might have used them,” said ERIA PD. “Then we saw the broken windows.”
The thieves are believed to have used a the dockyard at Pippen to escape with the evidence, and police are following up with a new napkin found at the docks.
“It’s the number of a bartender at a Dutch Harbor club,” ERIA PD told us, “who apparently thought the guy was cute. We have put out an APB on an individual with ‘dreamy eyes, a captivating smile, and a cute butt.'”
Waterbank News received bad news today after an East River judge ruled that the cocktail napkins seized in Club Prowl were admissible in court.
The three napkins are said to have part of a manifesto for Waterbank separatism and scribbles showing an East River celebrity eating a crow.
“They are offensive and provoking,” the ER Attorney General said after the arraignment. “We are pleased that the judge agreed.”
“We were drunk,” said one of the defendants to the press. “We believe we are being scapegoated and that the napkins actually have an idea for mac and cheese on them. We were drunk, so, I can’t be sure.”
The case will now go on to Blacksborough District Court, one of the toughest courts in East River, and currently running out of the Pippen Fire Department (Central Pierce affiliated). The defendants, who are defending themselves, are pleading with the Fugitive Lawyer to come to their aid.
“If I believe that there really is mac and cheese on the line, I’m there,” said the Fugitive Lawyer.
Yes, it’s true readers! More than 2000 stories online, and we at Waterbank News are going to celebrate with a short holiday. Though it hasn’t been decided whether it will be backpacking into the Prototype forests, a wine tasting tour through the East River, a cross-continental voyage from Dutch Harbor, a trip to Deluge, or a combat tour in Tulagi, the entire staff will be away for while. Don’t worry readers – we will be back soon, and the news will continue!
A naturalist near Mowry spotted a prehistoric bird and has contacted the Waterbank News.
“I knew this was my 15 minutes,” they told us, “and so here’s what I want to say. I love you Charlene. I’m sorry it took a prehistoric bird that is capable of eating a dog to do it.”
A Waterbank News reporter was arrested for publicly urinating on a vehicle in Glendale last night.
“I was a bit drunk,” the reporter admitted, “and I was walking up that f’in hill and saw this PSC van. I don’t know why… I guess ProStreet and Waterbank News have been enemies so long that it just seemed like the thing to do.”
Glenbrook PD has added charges of assault for the reporter. “I told him that WE are more professional here, and expect more from journalists, and he slugged me! Then he tells me, ‘don’t call me that.’ So I asked him, you mean ‘journalist?’ Then he hits me again!”