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Waterbank News went on a ride along in the East River with the Sheriff’s Department and our first stop was coffee at the local favorite, the Claw Cafe in Clawfoote (link).

“Yeah, a lot people are angry that people are so cozy with the Claw here on the Upper East [River],” said the Deputy and captain of our ride, “but there’s no proof of anything criminal here but the prices.”

“We came out here twice on raids authorized by East River Port Authority and found nothing. They even helped us look around and gave us free sandwiches. It’s pretty hard not to love this place. Their menu items are pretty amazing and they serve Tunisian Moon Coffee.”

While we ate, we talked about life on the river and the boat we were using, a MLB from Feral Marine (link).

“This boat’s seen some things,” they told us. “Rescues, catnip deals gone bad, and even some races with ERPA too. She won, by the way.”

We asked about what the latest issues on the East River and the Deputy almost dropped her sandwich. “Catnip smugglers! Those sons of sandy areas are too scared to move it directly and have been floating their contraband down the river. There’s so many getting strung out that the ER Council’s talking about opening a Cat-a-torium.”


Later that day we saw the crates in question

After our breakfast we got back on board and patrolled for five hours. It was a long shift, and we asked about the New Year’s Heist.

“Well, we know that several of them were eaten by the Beasts,” the Deputy told us, “but the rest are still out there. I’ve heard they may bring in bounty hunters to track them down.”

Asked about the Beast, the Deputy looked nervously around. “Yeah, they’re out there. Scientists think that they only feed every month or so and that’s why they’re so hard to find.”

As our day finished we asked if there was anything they wanted to say to our readers.

“Oh, yeah. Be safe on the water, Stay clear of catnip, and try the cafe. You may feel differently about the Claw after that.”

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SWAT teams descended on Smuggler’s Port after a hostage was taken on the tarmac.

“They just took him against his will,” screamed one bystander who saw the crime.

“We set positions around the tarmac and brought in a hostage negotiator,” said a SWAT team member. “That’s when we noticed that the victim was a cat.”

According to one refueling truck driver, the cat was returned after the negotiator bargained it free from the five year old for an ice cream.

“What can I say,” said the police negotiator eating two scoops of pistachio chocolate swirl, “I’m a good negotiator.”

The scene of the crime: link ; paint from FI Paints (link)

The CP vessel docked at the infamous Bygone Church in the Honahs. The church was the sight of a massacre during the fight for independence of the island.

The Coastal Patrol has sent out a “good will” vessel to assure residents of Blake Sea islands that the CP is still committed to stopping the illegal sand trade. The vessel, a newly acquired MLB from Feral Marine, is the pride of the CP fleet.

“Oh, yeah, but it ain’t the cup holders,” explained one of the ship’s crew. “It’s a beauty on the seas, at speed and in the bunk. It’s da first boat I been on dat kept me dry.”

Coastal Patrol insiders say that the good will tour is having mixed results, depending on where they land. “Some places don’t want to talk about where the sand comes from.”

Smuggling runs have been increasing into Juneau, yet local authorities couldn’t care less.

“They [Juneau police] don’t care at all. It’s all, GTFO this, and GTFO that,” whined one General Store owner. “Here, let me get you some GTFO fried chicken, or some GTFO iced coffee. It makes me sick!”

“We’re pretty excited about GTFO,” admitted a local constable. “You should see all the new things coming into the area!”