Tag Archives: Sheriff’s Department

Police are questioning a Waterbank News Reporter in the East River Hospital and finally have a lead on the mass disappearance of the WN staff.

“They are being held in a black site,” he told one detective. “Maybe all those years of journalism caught up with them.”

Asked how this reporter escaped, the police were told that he had seduced one of the guards, used a pen to pick a lock, and then imitated a Tunisian Coffee technician to break free. The police, though incredulous, had to admit that the story seemed to be valid.

“Truth never pays,” a Professor of Philosophy said when consulted by the police. “Never.”

Posted by the West River Free Press:

A solitary Waterbank News reporter was rescued in Juneau today, shocking local residents and raising a few debt collector’s eyebrows.

“He was flailing around like a fish having a seizure,” said pilot of the Juneau Search and Rescue. “You could see it from 300 feet up, which is really saying something.”

The pilot was able to conduct a water landing and rescue the journalist, thanks to JSAR’s latest acquisition, the Shergood Aviation S61R (link). Shortly after the rescue the reporter was sent to East River Hospital, where he is reported to be in a stable condition. Police are not releasing information at this time, though one officer of local Sheriff’s Department let slip that this was the break they needed in the disappearance of an entire newspaper staff.

East River investigators are looking into a mysterious crash of a United City States helicopter only thirty minutes after landing at the Michie Marine compound at the mouth of the East River. Witnesses that saw the helicopter land say that something was loaded onto it and it took off shortly after landing.

“Michie is a philanthropist beyond suspicion,” said the Sheriff’s Department. “I think it’s likely that there was a mechanical failure.”

Three Waterbank News reporters were arrested in Pippen this week after allegations of conspiracy and endangering the peace were raised against them in a rival newspaper.

The East River Express, a monthly periodical with a readership of 27, accused the WN of pushing a Waterbank separatist agenda and “conspiring to overthrow the Hellvelyn Art Council.”

The Managing Editor of WN was slow to refute the charges and after several provocative cocktail napkins were found the Sheriff of East River County moved in.

“Hey,” he explained in a press conference, “my sister’s on the Art Council.”
The reporters are being held without bail in East River Penitentiary.

The murder of a young duck at the exact location of four borders has resulted in a turf battle and call for justice.

“We won’t allow Pippen to trample on our ducks,” exclaimed one local constable, who admitted later that he didn’t know the ducks were there. “It’s our resource, not theirs. As we say in this area, ‘quack, quack!'”

The Sheriff’s Department was called to mediate the fowl play, but is not seeing cooperation. “Everybody’s got their feathers ruffled.”

The Sheriff’s Department had to intervene after two rival gas stations in Mowry went further than price slashing.

“The owners came out and started yelling,” said a witness. “One side said ‘ethanol!’ and the other said ‘diesel!’ until they were both screaming. I thought it would calm down but then one said something about a shipment of Slim Jims and the other freaked out, and ran for a gun. After that I ran for cover!”

Sheriff’s deputies arrived shortly after and found themselves in a firefight. “We were lucky they couldn’t hit the side of a barn,” one said. “The neighboring barn is full of moonshine.”

In a fit of anger over the recent targeting of people in West River by groups in East River, a West River official blasted East River with accusations of deliberate encouragement and “zero oversight.”

“We in the West River have been harassed, attacked, and now killed by ERers [derogatory name for East River residents]! They’re cozy with paramilitaries and nip labs, and we’re not going to be quiet about it any more!” Screamed the official.

The venting happened in a cafe in Mowry after the official stepped in horse manure and started screaming at passerbys.

“He was so full of rage,” said one passing mother of a three year old.
“He smells funny,” said the 3 year old.

During the five minute tirade in the town square the official accosted locals with a list of allegations, including that Feral Marine had sunk West River barges during weapons tests, that catnip kingpins were buying up the best land in West River, and that HIT Corp, which has a home in East River was killing for sport.

“They [HIT Corp] do whatever they want! They were there during the Forgier assassination, and will probably silence me next!”

The rant ended when Sheriff’s deputies tasered the official, who fell onto the manure. “Yeah,” said one deputy, “the manure’s our bad. Our horses eat a lot of organics.”

A plane from the Sheriff’s Department was lost over Tulagi, and no sign of the patrol craft has been found. The plane, routinely used in traffic monitoring and aerial patrols over large areas without roads, carried a single deputy and had been tasked with flying over an area that has been dubbed Tri-C – a triangle of catnip growers and “nip labs.”

“We are doing what we can to find the craft,” a spokesperson told us, “but we will need help.”

Sheriff’s Department deputies and Health Department officials are baffled to explain the mass death of dozens of horses on a farm off Route 8. Soon after the press arrived, however, the Department of Space Affairs and their mysterious black trucks cordoned off the area and closed the scene. No statement has been made by the space agency as to why they took over the investigation. Neighbors did report strange lights and sounds the night before. “It was like nothing I ever heard,” said one resident “Except maybe Linkin’ Park.”