Archive

Tag Archives: police

The Sheriff’s Department has undergone a reorganization after the WBA determined that independent communities have a better idea of how to police themselves.

“We’re taking the Sheriff’s Department open source,” said the former Sheriff, “so now everyone can set up their own department. We’ll just offer support and some paint.”

Paints were the first order of the day too, with the sale of a fat pack of Sheriff Department paints available at an unbelievably low price (link to texture fat pack). The paints offer simple branding for some of the most used vehicles by the Sheriff’s Department.

“We love these vehicles,” the former Sheriff said, “starting with the gold standard for patrol, the SZYM Intruder (link). We also have textures for the Astaro TPF4 – a brilliant emergency vehicle (link), the PA-38 by ZSK (link)which we use to catch speeders and cover the East River mountains, the GEMC Detroit Pacific bus (link), and a Bell helicopter (link) too.”

Advertisements

A Sheriff’s Department vehicle is seen with the fear inducing warning “beast sight” in its back window.

A squirrel was shot and then rushed to a vet yesterday after a Sheriff’s deputy shot it while looking for the beast in East River.

“We’re all on edge,” said the Sheriff, “and the deputy is an inexperienced officer. He was using a rifle scope and was surprised.”

“Squirrels look so cute far away,” the deputy told us, “but through a rifle scope they’re big ugly beasts!”

Recent reports of a “beast-like creature” in the mountainous area behind East River’s major airport, ERIA has sent the Sheriff’s Department into the hills.

“There are plenty of trails and open land there,” said a spokeswoman for the Department. “Our drones get shot down by the residents, so we’ve taken to mounted patrols. As yet there haven’t been any reason to believe the beast is back.”

“Don’t believe a word they say,” said a mountain man on Mt. Montezuma, “they ain’t seen the crazy beast like I have.”

Police in the Greater Tulagi Area arrested an overexcited ZSK customer who had chained himself to the showroom model of the new jet, demanding its immediate release.

“He was an absolute nutter,” said the arresting officer.

The customer was then driven down the road, where officers decided to break for lunch.

“It was a perfect time for a break,” said the officer, “so we even bought the guy a burger. He took one look at it and started running for Archerfield, screaming “let me buy it, let me buy it. Then he ran smack into the doorframe and – bam – out like a light. I almost feel sorry for the guy.”

The police then ate all the man’s fries.

“I said I felt ‘almost’ sorry for him, right?”

Police and park rangers are looking for better ways to patrol snowed in areas, and are now turning to several manufacturers.

Snow Belly Mag, a winter sports and lifestyle magazine has said that Meli Imako’s new snowmobile (link) is on the shortlist along with G & D’s snowcat (link) for opening roads. Append 1’s commercial snowmobile (link) is also on the list.

Interestingly, a few departments have started issuing Meli Imako’s Detective Outfit (link) as standard issue for their detectives.

CatnipDoor
A local import and export company has what looks like crates of catnip locked up on the Pippen dock.

Police and law enforcement agencies have been frustrated by the resilience of Pippen and the East River Intercontinental Airport which continues to be a catnip legalized area. While the East River Community (ERC) has been trying to annex the entire airport, but until the paperwork is finalized, the catnip trade continues. Daily shipments of catnip by truck evade police and arrive at the ERIA Cargo Terminal where they are transported for sale as contraband.

To add to their frustration, loopholes in the local statutes allow for importing and exporting of any substance, whether it is sand, catnip, weapons, or other illegally traded items.

WNransacked

Waterbank News has been ransacked by law enforcement after it was discovered that WN was researching a story on a Catnip/Claw operation in Pippen.

“They knew we’d never give up our sources, so they raided,” explained one reporter.

The CLAW has been accused of running an catnip operation out of Pippen, one of the few areas in the world where the substance is legal. The import export operation, believed to be run out of a company on the Pippen waterfront, has law enforcement befuddled.

“It’s legal here,” explained an East River prosecutor, “and a controlled substance everywhere else. If they are caught outside the area they are in trouble, but here they’re protected – even the CLAW.”

To make things more complicated, shipments bound for airplanes at ERIA are technically outside the East River jurisdiction.

“East River Intercontinental Airport actually sits on a border,” explained a luggage handler at ERIA. “Police could nab the truck at the warehouse but can’t touch it on the runway.”

“They should have what Waterbank has,” said one customer at Pippen Hot. “They’ve got a law on the books that lets them hit the CLAW anywhere.”

Baker and Sun Law Firm, which represents WN, has said that even damning evidence found in the raid would be inadmissible. “You can’t just turn over boxes and drag people to court. There is a proper procedure.”

Police officers on the scene defended themselves in this way:

“The office looks cleaner now.”