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Police in the Greater Tulagi Area arrested an overexcited ZSK customer who had chained himself to the showroom model of the new jet, demanding its immediate release.

“He was an absolute nutter,” said the arresting officer.

The customer was then driven down the road, where officers decided to break for lunch.

“It was a perfect time for a break,” said the officer, “so we even bought the guy a burger. He took one look at it and started running for Archerfield, screaming “let me buy it, let me buy it. Then he ran smack into the doorframe and – bam – out like a light. I almost feel sorry for the guy.”

The police then ate all the man’s fries.

“I said I felt ‘almost’ sorry for him, right?”

Police and park rangers are looking for better ways to patrol snowed in areas, and are now turning to several manufacturers.

Snow Belly Mag, a winter sports and lifestyle magazine has said that Meli Imako’s new snowmobile (link) is on the shortlist along with G & D’s snowcat (link) for opening roads. Append 1’s commercial snowmobile (link) is also on the list.

Interestingly, a few departments have started issuing Meli Imako’s Detective Outfit (link) as standard issue for their detectives.

CatnipDoor
A local import and export company has what looks like crates of catnip locked up on the Pippen dock.

Police and law enforcement agencies have been frustrated by the resilience of Pippen and the East River Intercontinental Airport which continues to be a catnip legalized area. While the East River Community (ERC) has been trying to annex the entire airport, but until the paperwork is finalized, the catnip trade continues. Daily shipments of catnip by truck evade police and arrive at the ERIA Cargo Terminal where they are transported for sale as contraband.

To add to their frustration, loopholes in the local statutes allow for importing and exporting of any substance, whether it is sand, catnip, weapons, or other illegally traded items.

WNransacked

Waterbank News has been ransacked by law enforcement after it was discovered that WN was researching a story on a Catnip/Claw operation in Pippen.

“They knew we’d never give up our sources, so they raided,” explained one reporter.

The CLAW has been accused of running an catnip operation out of Pippen, one of the few areas in the world where the substance is legal. The import export operation, believed to be run out of a company on the Pippen waterfront, has law enforcement befuddled.

“It’s legal here,” explained an East River prosecutor, “and a controlled substance everywhere else. If they are caught outside the area they are in trouble, but here they’re protected – even the CLAW.”

To make things more complicated, shipments bound for airplanes at ERIA are technically outside the East River jurisdiction.

“East River Intercontinental Airport actually sits on a border,” explained a luggage handler at ERIA. “Police could nab the truck at the warehouse but can’t touch it on the runway.”

“They should have what Waterbank has,” said one customer at Pippen Hot. “They’ve got a law on the books that lets them hit the CLAW anywhere.”

Baker and Sun Law Firm, which represents WN, has said that even damning evidence found in the raid would be inadmissible. “You can’t just turn over boxes and drag people to court. There is a proper procedure.”

Police officers on the scene defended themselves in this way:

“The office looks cleaner now.”

LindenRoadkill

A new report from the Satori Highway Patrol shows that Linden Roads have a surprising new problem; roadkill.

“It’s like they’re guts are embedded into the road,” said one officer, “as though they were a 2D image attached to the road. It’s eerie.”

The SHP report makes no conclusion about the roadkill, but anecdotally adds that most of the roadkill is the rare Linden Skunk, a particularly foul smelling animal blamed for problems in Linden Road layouts.

“You’d avoid them too if you could,” said the officer.

A GEMC Detroit Pacific (link) has stopped near Linden roadkill on a road outside Mowry Town.

Harr2 A Brookings County police car holds back traffic outside the city called Harrison. This picture was taken on the border of Prototype.

Citing management issues too difficult to overcome, the administrators of City of Harrison have sent out a notice of closure (link).

For visitors, residents, and businesses this is a significant loss and great deal of concern as to what happens to the property adjoining Prototype (link at right). Created hand in hand with NTBI and its creators, Harrison was considered to be one of the most beautiful urban builds with an industrial district and crossing the river into a full city.

This is the second closure of the city, and likely to be the last.

Social scientists at Waterbank University have been scratching their heads at the closure of the City of Canton, which was one of the best constructed cities, yet suffered from population loss as the city grew.

“We’re not really sure why,” said a scientist at W.U., “all the ingredients were there, but somehow it just didn’t work out.”

Speculation about whether Canton Police were overwhelmed by criminal elements or if a number of food scares had forced people to move are popular theories.