Tag Archives: police

Residents moving into new homes in Glenbrook were shocked when a police cruiser suddenly screeched to a halt in front of the local ice cream truck.

“I wanted a Strawberry Shortcake,” explained one officer, “and my partner wanted that popsicle with the five colors.”

Officers drove away without incident, and one neighbor laughed when they told us “that truck is pretty amazing. It’s a GEMC ice cream truck and if that’s not enough, they have all the old timey flavors.”

Visitors looking for the truck should start in Prototype (link at right) and drive east past SZYM tower.


The plans taken by New Year’s heist thieves is code named “Ripper,” a new product in development by Feral Marine.

Lawyers are descending on Waterbank News as the secret documents that were allegedly stolen in the New Year’s heist have come to light.

“We found this roll of blueprints and printouts on a body in Blackslough,” an ERIA PD officer told us. “It looked like some kind of new patrol ship. While we were dealing with the body, the plans were yoinked from the hood of our car.”

The new thief was chased into the mountains behind East River Intercontinental Airport and escaped. They were later caught by a mounted patrol near the peak.

“I heard this ridiculous evil laughter and thought I had better check it out,” said the Sheriff’s Department deputy on patrol that day. “The guy was laughing like a fool until I arrested him and took the plans. The guys at the station nicknamed him ‘Mopey’ after that.”

The plans were then placed on the front desk of the Sheriff’s office in Pippen, where they were yoinked again. That, dear readers, is how you see them here.

The epic manhunt continues for the New Year’s criminals and several agencies are working overtime to hunt for at least eight individuals.

“We believe they split up to confuse us,” said the Helvellyn’s Chief of Police in a press conference. “But we will not be confused. We are on a path and will not leave it.”

Several reporters snickered at the Chief, who seems to be single-mindedly pursuing the belief that the suspects escaped using a third boat. He has even gone so far as to ask for help from the Coastal Patrol, who left their usual drinking establishments to “skim the water.”

“We can stomp in water or sky,” hiccuped one CP pilot, “we’ll nab those pesky Claw runaways!”

Corrected that there was no connection to the Claw, the pilot retorted, “there is now!”

Details have been slow in coming from the heist and escape, though already each agency seems to have a different story, as I learned when I took part in a in-the-sky ridealong with the Sheriff’s Department.

“Some of them took the road, and others the subway,” said the Sheriff’s Department pilot on the headset, “but we’ll catch them. You can’t rob the Bank of Waterbank and get away with it.”
“The bank was Riverbank.”
“Yeah, what I said. Wait – Riverbank? Is that a bank?”
“Yes, in Helvellyn.”
“Helvellyn? What happened to the Bank of Waterbank? Nevermind – we’ll check the riverbank.”

A view from the Sheriff’s Department copter (pun intentional) looking away from the last place the suspects were seen.

The Sheriff’s Department has undergone a reorganization after the WBA determined that independent communities have a better idea of how to police themselves.

“We’re taking the Sheriff’s Department open source,” said the former Sheriff, “so now everyone can set up their own department. We’ll just offer support and some paint.”

Paints were the first order of the day too, with the sale of a fat pack of Sheriff Department paints available at an unbelievably low price (link to texture fat pack). The paints offer simple branding for some of the most used vehicles by the Sheriff’s Department.

“We love these vehicles,” the former Sheriff said, “starting with the gold standard for patrol, the SZYM Intruder (link). We also have textures for the Astaro TPF4 – a brilliant emergency vehicle (link), the PA-38 by ZSK (link)which we use to catch speeders and cover the East River mountains, the GEMC Detroit Pacific bus (link), and a Bell helicopter (link) too.”

A Sheriff’s Department vehicle is seen with the fear inducing warning “beast sight” in its back window.

A squirrel was shot and then rushed to a vet yesterday after a Sheriff’s deputy shot it while looking for the beast in East River.

“We’re all on edge,” said the Sheriff, “and the deputy is an inexperienced officer. He was using a rifle scope and was surprised.”

“Squirrels look so cute far away,” the deputy told us, “but through a rifle scope they’re big ugly beasts!”

Recent reports of a “beast-like creature” in the mountainous area behind East River’s major airport, ERIA has sent the Sheriff’s Department into the hills.

“There are plenty of trails and open land there,” said a spokeswoman for the Department. “Our drones get shot down by the residents, so we’ve taken to mounted patrols. As yet there haven’t been any reason to believe the beast is back.”

“Don’t believe a word they say,” said a mountain man on Mt. Montezuma, “they ain’t seen the crazy beast like I have.”

Police in the Greater Tulagi Area arrested an overexcited ZSK customer who had chained himself to the showroom model of the new jet, demanding its immediate release.

“He was an absolute nutter,” said the arresting officer.

The customer was then driven down the road, where officers decided to break for lunch.

“It was a perfect time for a break,” said the officer, “so we even bought the guy a burger. He took one look at it and started running for Archerfield, screaming “let me buy it, let me buy it. Then he ran smack into the doorframe and – bam – out like a light. I almost feel sorry for the guy.”

The police then ate all the man’s fries.

“I said I felt ‘almost’ sorry for him, right?”