Tag Archives: legal

The Fugitive Lawyer in front of the ERC complex in Grizedale

The Fugitive Lawyer has negotiated an immunity and extradition deal for the three reporters charged with crimes of conspiracy, transferring the three to West River.

“Passions are too high in the East River, and I think the judge knows that,” the lawyer said. “West River has been actively courting Waterbank citizens, so it’s a good fit. The three will be transferred to an undisclosed location and will not be allowed to publish.”

The deal has the support of moderates in East River, though the tension between East and West Rivers remains. Waterbank citizens have been discussing moving to West River in greater numbers after the arrest of the reporters.

East River Police are executing a search warrant for the reporter’s notebooks as detectives scramble to hold together a disintegrating case. “If we don’t find anything in the next few hours we have to let them go,” said ERIA PD.

“We’ll snap’em up as soon as ERIA PD lets them out,” said East River Police. “Then the Sheriff’s, then back to ERIA PD, every 24 hours.”

ERIA PD is claiming that Tunisian Moon Coffee is complicit in the theft of the cocktail napkins that are the primary evidence holding three Waterbank News reporters. The three are still being held, but as police are trying to retrieve the evidence, time is running out.

“They’re out in a day,” said the Fugitive Lawyer.

The police have released footage of a Tunisian Moon Coffee truck being used by someone matching the description of the APB around the time of the heist.

“Our driver’s a good looking guy,” said Tunisian, “but what makes you think it was a guy that took them? The description doesn’t say it’s a dude…”

Waterbank News received bad news today after an East River judge ruled that the cocktail napkins seized in Club Prowl were admissible in court.

The three napkins are said to have part of a manifesto for Waterbank separatism and scribbles showing an East River celebrity eating a crow.

“They are offensive and provoking,” the ER Attorney General said after the arraignment. “We are pleased that the judge agreed.”

“We were drunk,” said one of the defendants to the press. “We believe we are being scapegoated and that the napkins actually have an idea for mac and cheese on them. We were drunk, so, I can’t be sure.”

The case will now go on to Blacksborough District Court, one of the toughest courts in East River, and currently running out of the Pippen Fire Department (Central Pierce affiliated). The defendants, who are defending themselves, are pleading with the Fugitive Lawyer to come to their aid.

“If I believe that there really is mac and cheese on the line, I’m there,” said the Fugitive Lawyer.

A taxi driver in the Prototype Tri-State is suing a homeowner for “reckless use of a driveway,” after they wrecked their car on a pick up.

“The driveway is totally crazy,” the driver told us. “So yeah, I called Baker and Sun to see if the Fugitive Lawyer is available.”

The homeowner has also contacted the law firm and is equally upset. “This guy drives into my house and has the audacity to sue me?! I sue him!”

The former UCS rep that was fired for mistaking the words “world peas” for “world peace” has won a stunning victory in court, landing a hefty compensation and recognition for the mistake as “a better approximation of intent.”

Jury members were stunned at the compelling logic of the victim’s counsel, none other than the fugitive lawyer, who made a case not only that an error was made by UCS, but that they should use ‘world peas’ instead.

“Retaining the Fugitive Lawyer is one thing that changes all the legal landscape,” explained a Professor at Waterbank Law School. “He is a case study in out of the box litigation. I hear he even argued to have the court in session on the high seas to avoid capture.”

“We were happy to put the court on a boat,” a legal clerk told us. “That’s the beauty of a decentralized Waterbank and SPF 15.”

kqqo8eq Photo and story: Tatyana Thomas
Lindbay Officials confirmed a vicious blaze had taken hold yesterday with in the Village’s townhall and courthouse, also housing the Virtual Law Center. Responders arrived from the nearby “Lebeda Emergency Station” staffed by HitCorp Fire Prevention Services and Phoenix Medical Response to tackle the inferno.

As a quick-thinking neighbor photographed the first response and contacted Waterbank News, HCI fire teams raced to set uphoses and rescue people. Observers noticed that one of the responders was walking funny.

“I’m not with HCI,” the responder told us, embarrassed. “I’m with Lindbay FD. I guess in the rush I put my pants on backward. With all the commotion, I never had time to put them on right. I mean what’re ya gonna do? Take off your pants with a bunch of Waterbank News reporters around? That’s a bad idea!”

The cause of the fire is still currently unknown, however Investigative personnel from the Village of Lindbay Police and arson specialists from HCI’s Intelligence Services Section are working to determine if foul play is suspected. No one was reported injured, and authorities report the building was empty at the time.

VCGinDuck The VCG Facility in Duck

“Hanging with ducks,” replies an East River citizen when talking about where the VCG was when Claw submarines surfaced in East River. “They’ve got some training facility in Duck, so that’s what I tell my friends. They’re hanging with ducks.”

As the number of Claw sightings has been increasing in East River, so has the clamor over who should be deterring them.

“Coastal Patrol was created for that reason,” complained the barista at Pippen Hot, “but they’re so lazy! Most of them come for coffee after noon!”

Another customer sounded off loudly, hoping to get a rise out of the adjacent WBA office. “Waterbank ought to do something!”

East River citizens have made complaints at various East River institutions as well. East River Police are reporting daily complaints along the waterfront and say that the East River Port Authority has been curiously quiet. “ERPA’s lost a lot of funding,” said one ERPD officer off record.

Conspiracy theorists in East River claim a number of unusual theories, including a popular one about Muirhead Island. “It’s part of the Muirhead Separatist Movement,” said one unkempt man being ousted by ERIA security. “The Claw’s giving them weapons so they can break away from East River!”

Another theory popular in Helvelyn was that Feral Marine was working with the Claw. “Who knows what’s going on in that big factory,” one person said.

“The Claw hasn’t broken any East River laws or statutes,” said a lawyer retained by the organization at Baker and Sun. “And any conspiracy theories about the Claw and any East River organizations are foundless. They are just misunderstood.”