Archive

Tag Archives: legal

East River cafe, Holly Golightly has filed a suit in Waterbank District Court against a “troublesome grub wagon” that “has been snaking our customers,” according to the legal filing.

“They may have a case,” said the Waterbank District Attorney, “but I wish they’d hire a lawyer that wasn’t a relative.”

Advertisements

kqqo8eq Photo and story: Tatyana Thomas
Lindbay Officials confirmed a vicious blaze had taken hold yesterday with in the Village’s townhall and courthouse, also housing the Virtual Law Center. Responders arrived from the nearby “Lebeda Emergency Station” staffed by HitCorp Fire Prevention Services and Phoenix Medical Response to tackle the inferno.

As a quick-thinking neighbor photographed the first response and contacted Waterbank News, HCI fire teams raced to set uphoses and rescue people. Observers noticed that one of the responders was walking funny.

“I’m not with HCI,” the responder told us, embarrassed. “I’m with Lindbay FD. I guess in the rush I put my pants on backward. With all the commotion, I never had time to put them on right. I mean what’re ya gonna do? Take off your pants with a bunch of Waterbank News reporters around? That’s a bad idea!”

The cause of the fire is still currently unknown, however Investigative personnel from the Village of Lindbay Police and arson specialists from HCI’s Intelligence Services Section are working to determine if foul play is suspected. No one was reported injured, and authorities report the building was empty at the time.

VCGinDuck The VCG Facility in Duck

“Hanging with ducks,” replies an East River citizen when talking about where the VCG was when Claw submarines surfaced in East River. “They’ve got some training facility in Duck, so that’s what I tell my friends. They’re hanging with ducks.”

As the number of Claw sightings has been increasing in East River, so has the clamor over who should be deterring them.

“Coastal Patrol was created for that reason,” complained the barista at Pippen Hot, “but they’re so lazy! Most of them come for coffee after noon!”

Another customer sounded off loudly, hoping to get a rise out of the adjacent WBA office. “Waterbank ought to do something!”

East River citizens have made complaints at various East River institutions as well. East River Police are reporting daily complaints along the waterfront and say that the East River Port Authority has been curiously quiet. “ERPA’s lost a lot of funding,” said one ERPD officer off record.

Conspiracy theorists in East River claim a number of unusual theories, including a popular one about Muirhead Island. “It’s part of the Muirhead Separatist Movement,” said one unkempt man being ousted by ERIA security. “The Claw’s giving them weapons so they can break away from East River!”

Another theory popular in Helvelyn was that Feral Marine was working with the Claw. “Who knows what’s going on in that big factory,” one person said.

“The Claw hasn’t broken any East River laws or statutes,” said a lawyer retained by the organization at Baker and Sun. “And any conspiracy theories about the Claw and any East River organizations are foundless. They are just misunderstood.”

ERborder Photo depicting East River and its contentious border was supplied by the WIA. Requesting reporter is marked in gold.

The East River border dispute has gotten more intense as law enforcement agencies outside the region have filed claim to a portion of the East River Intercontinental Airport in Waterbank Supreme Court.

“It is preposterous that a major transport hub is being used to convey contraband,” said legal counsel for the law enforcement agencies. “What next? Are they going to say all sand is legal? East River needs to consider what it means to follow intercontinental accords.”

East River counsel, the famed Baker and Sun Law Firm, retorted in a press conference across the street from the claimants. “Catnip is a controlled substance, but that doesn’t make it illegal. It has the same caveats that an East River Vineyard’s Merlot has. Don’t drive or operate heavy machinery. East River doesn’t recognize what other areas are calling a “medical menace.”

The majority of the airport is currently within the East River boundary. The East River Chamber of Commerce estimates that only two percent of the visitors to the area use catnip recreationally. The WBA believes that to be ten percent.

WNransacked

Waterbank News has been ransacked by law enforcement after it was discovered that WN was researching a story on a Catnip/Claw operation in Pippen.

“They knew we’d never give up our sources, so they raided,” explained one reporter.

The CLAW has been accused of running an catnip operation out of Pippen, one of the few areas in the world where the substance is legal. The import export operation, believed to be run out of a company on the Pippen waterfront, has law enforcement befuddled.

“It’s legal here,” explained an East River prosecutor, “and a controlled substance everywhere else. If they are caught outside the area they are in trouble, but here they’re protected – even the CLAW.”

To make things more complicated, shipments bound for airplanes at ERIA are technically outside the East River jurisdiction.

“East River Intercontinental Airport actually sits on a border,” explained a luggage handler at ERIA. “Police could nab the truck at the warehouse but can’t touch it on the runway.”

“They should have what Waterbank has,” said one customer at Pippen Hot. “They’ve got a law on the books that lets them hit the CLAW anywhere.”

Baker and Sun Law Firm, which represents WN, has said that even damning evidence found in the raid would be inadmissible. “You can’t just turn over boxes and drag people to court. There is a proper procedure.”

Police officers on the scene defended themselves in this way:

“The office looks cleaner now.”

Our lawyers at Sun and Baker have asked us to publish this statement to protect us from legal action:

Waterbank News Editorial Policy

The diversity of sims makes covering “news” and information in SL very time consuming. Accuracy is attempted, but not guaranteed by WN, and we do try to make corrections whenever possible. If you feel there is an error let us know.

If you have a sim or site that is difficult to understand, get into, or load in less than a minute (60 seconds is a long time at a landing spot), we may skip your sim. If you want coverage please let us know and ensure that there is a place to acclimate new visitors easily.

Communities with their own paper are welcome to share stories or write under our masthead, provided that they follow the WN guidelines.

WNclosed

A new twist in the ongoing battle between ERPA and the Waterbank News has escalated with the closure of the Waterbank News office in Pippen (link). ERPA claims that WN has committed acts of piracy and is investigating the matter.

“It’s ridiculous!” Exclaimed one reporter who seemed to be enjoying the time off. “The only thing I steal is hearts, baby!”

Others took the matter more seriously. WBA President Sketch Sun said he would be working in Prototype until the matter was settled. “We share an office with the Waterbank News, and frankly I have the feeling that they have been hiding behind us. I’m sure ERPA wanted to close them earlier but waited out of respect for us.” Asked whether he thought Waterbank News were pirates, Sun said “I want my stapler back.”

For now the Waterbank News has gone guerilla and is publishing from an undisclosed location.