Tag Archives: East River

An investigation into the crash of a 727 onto the ERIA tarmac is underway after the footage from a Waterbank News drone captured a single individual watching, and then running away.

“We thought it was pilot error,” said an ERIA PD detective, “however, there are too many unanswered questions.”

“For such a big blaze, it’s really strange to have no bodies,” said a WAA investigator consulting on the case. “It’s unlikely that they could have jumped out of a craft like that in time. Something’s going on here.”


A police raid on Club Prowl (link) in Helvellyn turned strange after officers got in the front door.

“We went in looking for the New Year’s Heist fugitives, and found so much catnip that we began to play with yarn at the bar,” explained one officer. “It was thirty minutes before we got out of there.”

Patrons at the Prowl were beside themselves with laughter to watch Helvellyn’s finest scramble about and claw things.

“I should have helped,” said the bartender, “but I’m never gonna see something so funny again.”

Beach goers were amused and pleased when a Sheriff’s Department MLB pulled up to a dock on the East River to warn a local that they shouldn’t wash abalone on the dock.

“Look at that dock,” the Deputy had scolded the local. “It looks like a clown barfed all over it!”

The local seemed not to care, but admitted that they shouldn’t have washed them on the dock after they slipped while trying to walk away.

“It’s nice when Karma doesn’t delay,” said the Deputy.

Found by a Sheriff’s Department patrol in the Mowry Woods, the body of a half eaten person has been identified as one of the accomplices in the bank.

“The bites were too large to be wolves or bears,” said a spokesperson. “We may have another Beast on our hands.”

The body is said to have been attacked two days ago, but the Sheriff’s Department spokesperson did not tell us the name. “We are not identifying the body until the case is closed.”

The body was found here (link)

Home to the Pier in Selby, a food truck court, an arcade, and the dive bar Elbow Room, the Courtyard in Mare is a traveler’s favorite just northwest of Mowry on the main interstate (link). Visitors to the Greater East River Area know that the entire area has been greatly improved, with improved access for recreational drivers and emergency coverage from Central Pierce Fire and East River Driver’s Association, a non profit providing hubcap lugs for wayward truckers.

To access this beautifully developed string of communities along the East River and Western Gulf, fly into the East River Intercontinental Airport and drive north towards Mowry (just follow the signs!). Turn left on the interstate and after Mowry and the Salem School , Mare is on the right.

People preferring public transit can take the RapidER to Walsingham Westgate Station and walk north for 1 kilometer.

The wreck of a Coastal Patrol helicopter was found in an East River tributary last week by a diver.

“I saw the metal reflection and when I got closer I nearly yakked,” said the diver who found it. “The pilot was still in it, and when I swam away – let’s just say super gross.”

The crash is being investigated for foul play, though it may have been pilot error.

“There were 12 cans of soda in the cabin, and it looks like he was trying to use one,” said CP investigator. “I’m not sure we can blame the Claw for this.”