Archive

Tag Archives: crime

Our stray reporter in space, Silas Moone, was shot trying to enter a BBI shuttle and is now in critical condition in Arcus.

BBI (link) reserves the right to defend its property from thieves, pests, and abusers of cocktail napkins,” a spokesperson told us.

“The limit is one per cocktail,” said a bartender on the planet. “Trees are hard to come by.”

BBI is the manufacturer of high end space ships and space station parts.

The docks in Pippen are believed to be the escape route for the napkin thieves.

The damning cocktail napkins that sent three reporters to prison have been stolen in a midnight heist at ERIA Police Station.

“At first we thought the evidence locker guy might have used them,” said ERIA PD. “Then we saw the broken windows.”

The thieves are believed to have used a the dockyard at Pippen to escape with the evidence, and police are following up with a new napkin found at the docks.

“It’s the number of a bartender at a Dutch Harbor club,” ERIA PD told us, “who apparently thought the guy was cute. We have put out an APB on an individual with ‘dreamy eyes, a captivating smile, and a cute butt.'”

Three Waterbank News reporters were arrested in Pippen this week after allegations of conspiracy and endangering the peace were raised against them in a rival newspaper.

The East River Express, a monthly periodical with a readership of 27, accused the WN of pushing a Waterbank separatist agenda and “conspiring to overthrow the Hellvelyn Art Council.”

The Managing Editor of WN was slow to refute the charges and after several provocative cocktail napkins were found the Sheriff of East River County moved in.

“Hey,” he explained in a press conference, “my sister’s on the Art Council.”
The reporters are being held without bail in East River Penitentiary.

A plane from the Sheriff’s Department was lost over Tulagi, and no sign of the patrol craft has been found. The plane, routinely used in traffic monitoring and aerial patrols over large areas without roads, carried a single deputy and had been tasked with flying over an area that has been dubbed Tri-C – a triangle of catnip growers and “nip labs.”

“We are doing what we can to find the craft,” a spokesperson told us, “but we will need help.”

An inside source at WIA has told us that ERIA Cargo has been linked to several black ops in the West River area, and that the freight operation “sometimes confuses cargo with car-boom.”

According to the source a recent op targeted a high value sand thief while they were traveling to a remote airfield. The hit was arranged by a “private party” who used one of HIT Corp’s competitors.

“It’s getting ugly out there,” said our source, “and off books hits are coming from one sand thief to another catnip grower.”

We asked HIT Corp about the story and they said “grrrrrr.”

Sheriff’s Department deputies and Health Department officials are baffled to explain the mass death of dozens of horses on a farm off Route 8. Soon after the press arrived, however, the Department of Space Affairs and their mysterious black trucks cordoned off the area and closed the scene. No statement has been made by the space agency as to why they took over the investigation. Neighbors did report strange lights and sounds the night before. “It was like nothing I ever heard,” said one resident “Except maybe Linkin’ Park.”

deadhorses

A Waterbank News reporter was arrested for publicly urinating on a vehicle in Glendale last night.

“I was a bit drunk,” the reporter admitted, “and I was walking up that f’in hill and saw this PSC van. I don’t know why… I guess ProStreet and Waterbank News have been enemies so long that it just seemed like the thing to do.”

Glenbrook PD has added charges of assault for the reporter. “I told him that WE are more professional here, and expect more from journalists, and he slugged me! Then he tells me, ‘don’t call me that.’ So I asked him, you mean ‘journalist?’ Then he hits me again!”

A hunt is on in Prototype Tri-State after criminals stole a Tunisian Coffee truck and made a fake delivery to SZYM Towers.

The criminals used the beloved roastery as a cover and parked right next to the lower level exit for a quick getaway. They then proceeded to rob the Kan Salon and Tahda Mart and made their getaway.

“It was early morning,” said the guard at the front of the building, “and they knew exactly when I get my morning croissant. They timed it perfectly.”

Security cameras at the SZYM Towers captured images of the criminals throughout their escape.

“The Towers are covered by Gentek cameras (link),” said a spokesperson at the Prototype State Troopers, “and we think that Gentek has advanced software to clean up the long distance shot to give us a look at who these perpetrators are.”

The car was seen entering the Northbrook forest, where police found the stolen car near the private residence of тσηε sнιℓσvα. They believe the criminals may be still in the forest.

“They took advantage of everybody’s love of Tunisian,” a Trooper told us, “but we’ll catch’em. We’re going to take out our new Scout (link) for some backwoods huntin’!”

The Mowry Bay Village and Docks (link) is filing a civil suit against the Sheriff’s Department in a fight to ban mounted patrols. When we visited the town we found one such argument in the street.

“The horses leave all kinds of things,” said one business owner, waving her hand back and forth. “All kinds of smelly things.”

“We are there to protect and serve,” insisted one Deputy.

“More like stop, drop, and roll on,” retorted a cafe owner.

The East River Municipal Court had no comment on the suit, though a judge privately said that their shoes agree with the ban.