Tag Archives: crime

A hunt is on in Prototype Tri-State after criminals stole a Tunisian Coffee truck and made a fake delivery to SZYM Towers.

The criminals used the beloved roastery as a cover and parked right next to the lower level exit for a quick getaway. They then proceeded to rob the Kan Salon and Tahda Mart and made their getaway.

“It was early morning,” said the guard at the front of the building, “and they knew exactly when I get my morning croissant. They timed it perfectly.”

Security cameras at the SZYM Towers captured images of the criminals throughout their escape.

“The Towers are covered by Gentek cameras (link),” said a spokesperson at the Prototype State Troopers, “and we think that Gentek has advanced software to clean up the long distance shot to give us a look at who these perpetrators are.”

The car was seen entering the Northbrook forest, where police found the stolen car near the private residence of тσηε sнιℓσvα. They believe the criminals may be still in the forest.

“They took advantage of everybody’s love of Tunisian,” a Trooper told us, “but we’ll catch’em. We’re going to take out our new Scout (link) for some backwoods huntin’!”


The Mowry Bay Village and Docks (link) is filing a civil suit against the Sheriff’s Department in a fight to ban mounted patrols. When we visited the town we found one such argument in the street.

“The horses leave all kinds of things,” said one business owner, waving her hand back and forth. “All kinds of smelly things.”

“We are there to protect and serve,” insisted one Deputy.

“More like stop, drop, and roll on,” retorted a cafe owner.

The East River Municipal Court had no comment on the suit, though a judge privately said that their shoes agree with the ban.

Sheriff Department deputies found a car with its door open near ERIA this week, and the Department is calling it a kidnapping.

“There were signs of sheep all over the car,” a deputy told us, “and half chewed grasses. I think it’s safe to say that kids were involved.”

Asked why they thought it was young sheep that were taken, the deputy said “It’s just this job. It makes you see the baaa- baaa-d.”

A Park Ranger in Prototype discovered a body which turned out to be one of the fugitives from the East River New Year’s Heist.

“It was all crusty and gross,” said the Park Ranger, “and I really, really regret poking it.”

The body was taken into Prototype crime labs and identified as one of the suspects, though police will not release the identity to the press, citing an open investigation.

“We are trying to figure out what they were doing in Prototype,” Prototype Police told us. “We have a theory, based on the receipt we found on the body. Two slices of cobbler from Rodex Diner.”

When the Community Watch in Glenbrook (Prototype link at right) told Sunnydale Sauces (link to paint) salespeople to get out of their housing complex, one resident was happy.

“They just parked their truck and started canvassing the area. Trying to sell sauces from door to door. We walked up and told them, ‘get out.'”

Yet Sunnydale Sauces wasn’t ready to go.

“They offered us free sauce,” the resident told us. “So we looked the other way.”

“It should take more than 12 ounces,” Glenbrook Police told us, “of ‘Marshmallow Madness’ to change your mind. We’ll have to hold some classes to get the residents better prepared to watch their neighborhood. Some of them think it’s a food drive.”

WPD got a dose of karma after an officer harassed a biker bar (link) for “distracting light displays.”

According to one motorclub member the officer told the owner of the bar they needed to take down their Christmas display immediately so drivers would not be distracted. An argument between patrons and the officer broke out, and the officer threatened if he saw the display on the way back there would be fines.

“We don’t like rude people,” said the member, “and we all love Santa.”

The officer stopped at a well known road stop (link) down the road and used a restroom, only to find their car had been taken.

“It was just gone,” said the officer, “and there was no one who saw anything.”

The officer using a NBS payphone to call headquarters

“Yeah, karma can be a real ex-wife,” said the MC member.