Tag Archives: crime

A Waterbank dignitary has been chastized for an illegal road trip in Waterbank livery, yet claims, “it was worth it.”

“Once you try the cobbler, you’ll get it,” said the dignitary from his cell. “I only wish I had gotten some to go.”

Our stray reporter in space, Silas Moone, was shot trying to enter a BBI shuttle and is now in critical condition in Arcus.

BBI (link) reserves the right to defend its property from thieves, pests, and abusers of cocktail napkins,” a spokesperson told us.

“The limit is one per cocktail,” said a bartender on the planet. “Trees are hard to come by.”

BBI is the manufacturer of high end space ships and space station parts.

The docks in Pippen are believed to be the escape route for the napkin thieves.

The damning cocktail napkins that sent three reporters to prison have been stolen in a midnight heist at ERIA Police Station.

“At first we thought the evidence locker guy might have used them,” said ERIA PD. “Then we saw the broken windows.”

The thieves are believed to have used a the dockyard at Pippen to escape with the evidence, and police are following up with a new napkin found at the docks.

“It’s the number of a bartender at a Dutch Harbor club,” ERIA PD told us, “who apparently thought the guy was cute. We have put out an APB on an individual with ‘dreamy eyes, a captivating smile, and a cute butt.'”

Three Waterbank News reporters were arrested in Pippen this week after allegations of conspiracy and endangering the peace were raised against them in a rival newspaper.

The East River Express, a monthly periodical with a readership of 27, accused the WN of pushing a Waterbank separatist agenda and “conspiring to overthrow the Hellvelyn Art Council.”

The Managing Editor of WN was slow to refute the charges and after several provocative cocktail napkins were found the Sheriff of East River County moved in.

“Hey,” he explained in a press conference, “my sister’s on the Art Council.”
The reporters are being held without bail in East River Penitentiary.

A plane from the Sheriff’s Department was lost over Tulagi, and no sign of the patrol craft has been found. The plane, routinely used in traffic monitoring and aerial patrols over large areas without roads, carried a single deputy and had been tasked with flying over an area that has been dubbed Tri-C – a triangle of catnip growers and “nip labs.”

“We are doing what we can to find the craft,” a spokesperson told us, “but we will need help.”

An inside source at WIA has told us that ERIA Cargo has been linked to several black ops in the West River area, and that the freight operation “sometimes confuses cargo with car-boom.”

According to the source a recent op targeted a high value sand thief while they were traveling to a remote airfield. The hit was arranged by a “private party” who used one of HIT Corp’s competitors.

“It’s getting ugly out there,” said our source, “and off books hits are coming from one sand thief to another catnip grower.”

We asked HIT Corp about the story and they said “grrrrrr.”

Sheriff’s Department deputies and Health Department officials are baffled to explain the mass death of dozens of horses on a farm off Route 8. Soon after the press arrived, however, the Department of Space Affairs and their mysterious black trucks cordoned off the area and closed the scene. No statement has been made by the space agency as to why they took over the investigation. Neighbors did report strange lights and sounds the night before. “It was like nothing I ever heard,” said one resident “Except maybe Linkin’ Park.”