Tag Archives: crime

Rumors that a property in Whitlow (link) is actually a Claw Base, has led the Coastal Patrol to ask military or SAS factions to raid the property.

“We think the Claw has been using the property to shell shipping in the Tulagi region,” said the CP spokesperson, “and that they may be bringing ordinance in for their subs too.”

The owner of the property says that whoever the tenant really is, they always pay on time, but “if ya gotta raid, raid ‘em!” He also said that the property, a Tulagi combat area adjacent lot of 512 is also up for sale.

Aspiring combatants can jump the jump for a mission brief: Read More


An investigation into the crash of a 727 onto the ERIA tarmac is underway after the footage from a Waterbank News drone captured a single individual watching, and then running away.

“We thought it was pilot error,” said an ERIA PD detective, “however, there are too many unanswered questions.”

“For such a big blaze, it’s really strange to have no bodies,” said a WAA investigator consulting on the case. “It’s unlikely that they could have jumped out of a craft like that in time. Something’s going on here.”

Camera footage of the relay station

Prototype Police enjoyed a bout of laughter after a thief attempting to steal a spool of copper used a taxi for his getaway.

“He took a taxi to one of the NBS relay stations in Northbridge and told the driver ‘I’ll be right back,'” explained one officer. “Then the guy starts climbing the fence and the taxi driver just called it in. By the time the guy got to the other side of the fence we were already there.”

The taxi driver said the man was nice enough, and said that he didn’t have enough money for a SZYM car of his own, so he chose a taxi company that used them. “Hey SZYM cars are the best in the world,” the taxi driver said, “so you can’t blame him for that. You can sure blame him for everything else, though.”

Officers converged on the relay station, responding to what one officer had in his rear signage (also a SZYM vehicle). “ROFL” and “LMAO” it displayed. The suspect was taken into custody after Prototype Police had administered “justifiable joking” to the culprit.

Law enforcement was laughing today when a Feral Marine strike force – a team assembled by the company to conduct paramilitary operations – went to a restroom in Brooks and caught one of the New Year’s heist suspects.

“He was just standing there with his – well you know,” said one of the strike team. “My partner had to go really bad and he started laughing when he saw this bozo that I really thought he was gonna lose it. That was the hardest part of the arrest – all of us had to go.”

After some creative tactical maneuvers all members of the three person team and the suspect were able to continue the apprehension. Feral Marine is holding the individual in custody and has refused to hand over the suspect to Helvellyn PD.

One of the trails for the New Year’s heist culprits have led to Mt. Olympus (link), where investigators have found clothing and one of the boats believed to have used in the escape.

“We think three of them made their way here,” said a Sheriff’s rep, “and that this is an attempt to satisfy their vanity. We found a little note here. ‘Go suck an egg, copper’ it says.”

Beach goers were amused and pleased when a Sheriff’s Department MLB pulled up to a dock on the East River to warn a local that they shouldn’t wash abalone on the dock.

“Look at that dock,” the Deputy had scolded the local. “It looks like a clown barfed all over it!”

The local seemed not to care, but admitted that they shouldn’t have washed them on the dock after they slipped while trying to walk away.

“It’s nice when Karma doesn’t delay,” said the Deputy.

The manhunt for eight fugitives involved in the New Year’s heist has gotten a second wind after a body was discovered half eaten by the Beast.

“We’re looking for the Beast and the fugitives now,” said East River Police. “And while we are at it we might as well look for Officer-No-Good.”

“Officer No-Good” is local ERPD slang for an officer that is using the manhunt as an excuse to take time off. Apparently so many of the departments participating in the search have been slacking off that there is a new term, “manhuntin'” which means to be slacking while searching.

“Off the record,” said one ERIA PD officer, “I found two Helvellyn cops asleep in the Vulture Air hangar the other day. Manhuntin’. Hey – I said ‘off record!’ Off record! You’re recording this?! Come back here!”