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Tag Archives: crime

Waterbank News’ key photographer was kidnapped yesterday, making the paper photoless for the time being.

“I sent him out to take some pictures of wild flowers in the East River Mountains,” said the Editor in Chief of Waterbank News, “and it’s been five days…”

If anyone has seen the photographer, a svelte woman in her 40s wearing a feather boa, please contact the authorities. We would show you a picture, but, ya know, no photographer.

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An epidemic of stolen tires, hubcaps, and lug nuts has stricken urban areas, according to the Sheriff’s Department.

“This is the first real test of our new open source police model,” said the local Sheriff in East River. “Now that each area has what they need, we’ll see if Sheriff Departments can nip the tire nippers.”
Read more about open source Sheriff Departments here (link)

Smuggling runs have been increasing into Juneau, yet local authorities couldn’t care less.

“They [Juneau police] don’t care at all. It’s all, GTFO this, and GTFO that,” whined one General Store owner. “Here, let me get you some GTFO fried chicken, or some GTFO iced coffee. It makes me sick!”

“We’re pretty excited about GTFO,” admitted a local constable. “You should see all the new things coming into the area!”

Police in the Greater Tulagi Area arrested an overexcited ZSK customer who had chained himself to the showroom model of the new jet, demanding its immediate release.

“He was an absolute nutter,” said the arresting officer.

The customer was then driven down the road, where officers decided to break for lunch.

“It was a perfect time for a break,” said the officer, “so we even bought the guy a burger. He took one look at it and started running for Archerfield, screaming “let me buy it, let me buy it. Then he ran smack into the doorframe and – bam – out like a light. I almost feel sorry for the guy.”

The police then ate all the man’s fries.

“I said I felt ‘almost’ sorry for him, right?”

Smuggler X’s recent opening of a “delivery and postal service” in the Archerfield area hasn’t impressed certain law enforcement agencies, who still have outstanding warrants.

“My kid still has no sand for his sandbox,” said a Waterbank Police lieutenant. “And our volleyball court has rocks.”

Agencies such as the WPD, Sheriff’s Department, ERIA PD, ERPA, and GridEx security all have outstanding warrants for the smuggler.