East River

An investigation into the crash of a 727 onto the ERIA tarmac is underway after the footage from a Waterbank News drone captured a single individual watching, and then running away.

“We thought it was pilot error,” said an ERIA PD detective, “however, there are too many unanswered questions.”

“For such a big blaze, it’s really strange to have no bodies,” said a WAA investigator consulting on the case. “It’s unlikely that they could have jumped out of a craft like that in time. Something’s going on here.”


BREAKING NEWS from ERIA (link), where the crash of a 727 has caused a fire and explosion.

Residents reported an explosion and a “screechy, crunchy” sound early this evening and soon saw black smoke rising into the sky.

Little is known about the crash at this time, yet Waterbank News managed to catch these images from its news drone.

The plans taken by New Year’s heist thieves is code named “Ripper,” a new product in development by Feral Marine.

Lawyers are descending on Waterbank News as the secret documents that were allegedly stolen in the New Year’s heist have come to light.

“We found this roll of blueprints and printouts on a body in Blackslough,” an ERIA PD officer told us. “It looked like some kind of new patrol ship. While we were dealing with the body, the plans were yoinked from the hood of our car.”

The new thief was chased into the mountains behind East River Intercontinental Airport and escaped. They were later caught by a mounted patrol near the peak.

“I heard this ridiculous evil laughter and thought I had better check it out,” said the Sheriff’s Department deputy on patrol that day. “The guy was laughing like a fool until I arrested him and took the plans. The guys at the station nicknamed him ‘Mopey’ after that.”

The plans were then placed on the front desk of the Sheriff’s office in Pippen, where they were yoinked again. That, dear readers, is how you see them here.

Law enforcement was laughing today when a Feral Marine strike force – a team assembled by the company to conduct paramilitary operations – went to a restroom in Brooks and caught one of the New Year’s heist suspects.

“He was just standing there with his – well you know,” said one of the strike team. “My partner had to go really bad and he started laughing when he saw this bozo that I really thought he was gonna lose it. That was the hardest part of the arrest – all of us had to go.”

After some creative tactical maneuvers all members of the three person team and the suspect were able to continue the apprehension. Feral Marine is holding the individual in custody and has refused to hand over the suspect to Helvellyn PD.

A police raid on Club Prowl (link) in Helvellyn turned strange after officers got in the front door.

“We went in looking for the New Year’s Heist fugitives, and found so much catnip that we began to play with yarn at the bar,” explained one officer. “It was thirty minutes before we got out of there.”

Patrons at the Prowl were beside themselves with laughter to watch Helvellyn’s finest scramble about and claw things.

“I should have helped,” said the bartender, “but I’m never gonna see something so funny again.”

One of the trails for the New Year’s heist culprits have led to Mt. Olympus (link), where investigators have found clothing and one of the boats believed to have used in the escape.

“We think three of them made their way here,” said a Sheriff’s rep, “and that this is an attempt to satisfy their vanity. We found a little note here. ‘Go suck an egg, copper’ it says.”