Waterbank News’ key photographer was kidnapped yesterday, making the paper photoless for the time being.
“I sent him out to take some pictures of wild flowers in the East River Mountains,” said the Editor in Chief of Waterbank News, “and it’s been five days…”
If anyone has seen the photographer, a svelte woman in her 40s wearing a feather boa, please contact the authorities. We would show you a picture, but, ya know, no photographer.
An epidemic of stolen tires, hubcaps, and lug nuts has stricken urban areas, according to the Sheriff’s Department.
“This is the first real test of our new open source police model,” said the local Sheriff in East River. “Now that each area has what they need, we’ll see if Sheriff Departments can nip the tire nippers.”
Read more about open source Sheriff Departments here (link)
Phase Foxtrot testing has been completed for Feral Marine’s MLB, a highly anticipated patrol craft.
“Law enforcement agencies and coastal patrols have all been begging for the MLB,” said one boat dealer in East River. “So it’s gonna be bank day when it gets released.”
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The Sheriff’s Department has undergone a reorganization after the WBA determined that independent communities have a better idea of how to police themselves.
“We’re taking the Sheriff’s Department open source,” said the former Sheriff, “so now everyone can set up their own department. We’ll just offer support and some paint.”
Paints were the first order of the day too, with the sale of a fat pack of Sheriff Department paints available at an unbelievably low price (link to texture fat pack). The paints offer simple branding for some of the most used vehicles by the Sheriff’s Department.
“We love these vehicles,” the former Sheriff said, “starting with the gold standard for patrol, the SZYM Intruder (link). We also have textures for the Astaro TPF4 – a brilliant emergency vehicle (link), the PA-38 by ZSK (link)which we use to catch speeders and cover the East River mountains, the GEMC Detroit Pacific bus (link), and a Bell helicopter (link) too.”
A Sheriff’s Department vehicle is seen with the fear inducing warning “beast sight” in its back window.
A squirrel was shot and then rushed to a vet yesterday after a Sheriff’s deputy shot it while looking for the beast in East River.
“We’re all on edge,” said the Sheriff, “and the deputy is an inexperienced officer. He was using a rifle scope and was surprised.”
“Squirrels look so cute far away,” the deputy told us, “but through a rifle scope they’re big ugly beasts!”
The East River Police and the Sheriff’s Department are looking into a video found on a mangled body in the woods only a few miles from the Feral Marine compound. On the body a video camera with a damaged cartridge was found.
“The body was found gnawed and mangled,” said a Sheriff’s Deputy, “and it really looks like something the beast would do. We’re advising residents to stay close to home and avoid the hiking trails for the moment.”
The video (link), purchased by Waterbank News, shows a new boat from Feral Marine, and appears to have been cut to promote the new luxury liner. Conspiracy theorists in East River have already suggested that the death was in fact a homicide made to look like the beast had done it.
“Feral’s very secretive,” said a Feral Marine worker off record. “This wouldn’t be the first person something strange happened to.”
East River Police say that they are looking into all possible leads.
Recent reports of a “beast-like creature” in the mountainous area behind East River’s major airport, ERIA has sent the Sheriff’s Department into the hills.
“There are plenty of trails and open land there,” said a spokeswoman for the Department. “Our drones get shot down by the residents, so we’ve taken to mounted patrols. As yet there haven’t been any reason to believe the beast is back.”
“Don’t believe a word they say,” said a mountain man on Mt. Montezuma, “they ain’t seen the crazy beast like I have.”