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Crime Blotter


Rumors that a property in Whitlow (link) is actually a Claw Base, has led the Coastal Patrol to ask military or SAS factions to raid the property.

“We think the Claw has been using the property to shell shipping in the Tulagi region,” said the CP spokesperson, “and that they may be bringing ordinance in for their subs too.”

The owner of the property says that whoever the tenant really is, they always pay on time, but “if ya gotta raid, raid ‘em!” He also said that the property, a Tulagi combat area adjacent lot of 512 is also up for sale.

Aspiring combatants can jump the jump for a mission brief: Read More

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Sailors on the Blake Sea have been seeing this ship – the WWS Waterbank – more and more, and are nervous about it.

“It didn’t help that Old Man Half Hitch told me it was a ghost ship,” said one sailor we talked to at Hollywood Airport. “It really has me freaking out.”

“It came out of the mist and nearly hit us,” said another boater. “When I yelled at it no one came out. It just kept on going, without a person in sight.”

A number of coast guards have asked that boaters call in the location of the ship, which they believe might have had some mishap. “We’re not saying ‘deadly disease that could decimate the world,'” said one SLCG rep, “and we are definitely not saying ‘vengeful ghost ship that can’t be stopped with modern science.'”

Old Man Half Hitch had this to say: “I tol’ y’er.”

Waterbank Airlines has hit the news again after a whistleblower from the airline came forward and said that the Waterbank Airlines has been a taxi service for the Waterbank Intelligence Agency for several years now.

“The Waterbank News guy asked if anyone wanted to come forward with some dirt to print,” said the WA employee, “and I said ‘sure, I got time to kill. I ain’t had nothin’ to do all day but blow this stupid whistle.”

Waterbank Airlines has made several black lists after ferrying a paramilitary group to one of the contested islands in the Blake Sea area, angering a number of political groups.

“Civilian airlines have no business moving troops,” said the spokeswoman for the Unhitch Half Hitch Union (UHHU – “yoohoo”). “If Waterbank Airlines tries to land here we’ll blast’em outta the sky!”

A representative from WA was unapologetic. “Oh please. Half Hitch? I’m surprised they know what an airplane is. We are in business, and will ferry anyone for a price. That’s how a business works.”

An investigation into the crash of a 727 onto the ERIA tarmac is underway after the footage from a Waterbank News drone captured a single individual watching, and then running away.

“We thought it was pilot error,” said an ERIA PD detective, “however, there are too many unanswered questions.”

“For such a big blaze, it’s really strange to have no bodies,” said a WAA investigator consulting on the case. “It’s unlikely that they could have jumped out of a craft like that in time. Something’s going on here.”

Camera footage of the relay station

Prototype Police enjoyed a bout of laughter after a thief attempting to steal a spool of copper used a taxi for his getaway.

“He took a taxi to one of the NBS relay stations in Northbridge and told the driver ‘I’ll be right back,'” explained one officer. “Then the guy starts climbing the fence and the taxi driver just called it in. By the time the guy got to the other side of the fence we were already there.”

The taxi driver said the man was nice enough, and said that he didn’t have enough money for a SZYM car of his own, so he chose a taxi company that used them. “Hey SZYM cars are the best in the world,” the taxi driver said, “so you can’t blame him for that. You can sure blame him for everything else, though.”

Officers converged on the relay station, responding to what one officer had in his rear signage (also a SZYM vehicle). “ROFL” and “LMAO” it displayed. The suspect was taken into custody after Prototype Police had administered “justifiable joking” to the culprit.