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Police are questioning a Waterbank News Reporter in the East River Hospital and finally have a lead on the mass disappearance of the WN staff.

“They are being held in a black site,” he told one detective. “Maybe all those years of journalism caught up with them.”

Asked how this reporter escaped, the police were told that he had seduced one of the guards, used a pen to pick a lock, and then imitated a Tunisian Coffee technician to break free. The police, though incredulous, had to admit that the story seemed to be valid.

“Truth never pays,” a Professor of Philosophy said when consulted by the police. “Never.”

Posted by the West River Free Press:

A solitary Waterbank News reporter was rescued in Juneau today, shocking local residents and raising a few debt collector’s eyebrows.

“He was flailing around like a fish having a seizure,” said pilot of the Juneau Search and Rescue. “You could see it from 300 feet up, which is really saying something.”

The pilot was able to conduct a water landing and rescue the journalist, thanks to JSAR’s latest acquisition, the Shergood Aviation S61R (link). Shortly after the rescue the reporter was sent to East River Hospital, where he is reported to be in a stable condition. Police are not releasing information at this time, though one officer of local Sheriff’s Department let slip that this was the break they needed in the disappearance of an entire newspaper staff.

A new type of charity event, the ‘gurney race,’ has brought hundreds of locals out in East River for a charity.

“It’s pretty simple,” explained the Waterbank Auxiliary volunteer that came up with it. “People bet on which ambulance crew can race with a loaded gurney for 500 meters.”

Benefits from the event went to the Cathouse for Catnip Recovery, which helps addicts recover from debilitating catnip.

East River investigators are looking into a mysterious crash of a United City States helicopter only thirty minutes after landing at the Michie Marine compound at the mouth of the East River. Witnesses that saw the helicopter land say that something was loaded onto it and it took off shortly after landing.

“Michie is a philanthropist beyond suspicion,” said the Sheriff’s Department. “I think it’s likely that there was a mechanical failure.”

Drivers of SL, the non-profit drivign club that was dubbed “Coolest Kats,” by Motor Sound Magazine, has arranged a camping event this weekend. Easy to drive in with a few spots left for community camping, the event has consumed hundreds of hot dog and hamburger buns, and participants assure visitors, there are always some left.

“Not sure about the meat, but yeah, always some more buns.”

The event has drawn in a good group of people, and some notable celebrities such as Crim. “We’re a generous group,” said one attendee, “and love a good time.”

The event can be found here (link)