Breakthrough in Missing Newspaper Staff

Police are questioning a Waterbank News Reporter in the East River Hospital and finally have a lead on the mass disappearance of the WN staff.

“They are being held in a black site,” he told one detective. “Maybe all those years of journalism caught up with them.”

Asked how this reporter escaped, the police were told that he had seduced one of the guards, used a pen to pick a lock, and then imitated a Tunisian Coffee technician to break free. The police, though incredulous, had to admit that the story seemed to be valid.

“Truth never pays,” a Professor of Philosophy said when consulted by the police. “Never.”

Sole Waterbank News Reporter Rescued in Juneau!

Posted by the West River Free Press:

A solitary Waterbank News reporter was rescued in Juneau today, shocking local residents and raising a few debt collector’s eyebrows.

“He was flailing around like a fish having a seizure,” said pilot of the Juneau Search and Rescue. “You could see it from 300 feet up, which is really saying something.”

The pilot was able to conduct a water landing and rescue the journalist, thanks to JSAR’s latest acquisition, the Shergood Aviation S61R (link). Shortly after the rescue the reporter was sent to East River Hospital, where he is reported to be in a stable condition. Police are not releasing information at this time, though one officer of local Sheriff’s Department let slip that this was the break they needed in the disappearance of an entire newspaper staff.

WAX, WBA Charity Event, “Gurney Run,” Jumps ERIA Numbers

A new type of charity event, the ‘gurney race,’ has brought hundreds of locals out in East River for a charity.

“It’s pretty simple,” explained the Waterbank Auxiliary volunteer that came up with it. “People bet on which ambulance crew can race with a loaded gurney for 500 meters.”

Benefits from the event went to the Cathouse for Catnip Recovery, which helps addicts recover from debilitating catnip.

East River Data Center Linked to West River Hack

An East River data center has been linked to a DoS attack in West River, which affected the West River Creamery and Sunnydale Sauces plants.

“It’s blatant industrial sabotage,” the West River Sheriff told us.

East River IT honcho responded immediately to the charge. “We take ice cream sundaes very seriously. We are tracking several leads already.”

Space Tourism Is on the Rise

Space tourism is on the rise again after several new manufacturers released new products, several of which are on display at Solaris Station (link).

“It’s an exciting time to be an explorer,” Silas Moone told us.

Pic of the Week: WAX, WBA Run Charity “Gurney Run” for Charity in Prototype

Driver Takes Horse to Beat Traffic

A driver in Prototype took out his horse to beat traffic on the interstate, and caused further delays.

“We’ve got enough trouble on the road,” complained one driver stuck on the road, “without this guy putting horse poop everywhere.”

Pic of the Week: Elisha’s Head

This week’s photo comes from a drone that was following an East River dinosaur, which became fascinated by Elisha’s head, an animated head atop a rock near East River Municipal Airport.

It can be found here (link)

UCS Craft Crashes 30 Minutes After Landing at Michie Compound

East River investigators are looking into a mysterious crash of a United City States helicopter only thirty minutes after landing at the Michie Marine compound at the mouth of the East River. Witnesses that saw the helicopter land say that something was loaded onto it and it took off shortly after landing.

“Michie is a philanthropist beyond suspicion,” said the Sheriff’s Department. “I think it’s likely that there was a mechanical failure.”

Drivers of SL Arranges Camp Out, S’More to Follow

Drivers of SL, the non-profit drivign club that was dubbed “Coolest Kats,” by Motor Sound Magazine, has arranged a camping event this weekend. Easy to drive in with a few spots left for community camping, the event has consumed hundreds of hot dog and hamburger buns, and participants assure visitors, there are always some left.

“Not sure about the meat, but yeah, always some more buns.”

The event has drawn in a good group of people, and some notable celebrities such as Crim. “We’re a generous group,” said one attendee, “and love a good time.”

The event can be found here (link)